#*crowns myself the queen mother of problematic characters*

[sk1fanfiction]

noooo stop woobifying them I like them fucked up and problematic!!!

[rinfarts]

Chimeris Ostara Escanor, 15 years old. At that age, she left Orlandor, the kingdom in which she was born, to return to her mother's homeland.

(English is not my native language, so there may be mistakes. Please be understanding)

The main branch of the Escanor family died out from the epidemic that raged on the lands of Meridian. At that time, life was barely glimmering only in the elderly Queen Irel. The concerned elders went after Lady Ostara, the former Princess of Meridian, who was given to a neighboring kingdom as a political hostage. At that time, this decision was justified - in addition to Ostara, the crown had two more heiresses. Now there is no one left.

The lady's self-esteem was definitely flattered that those who once used her as a bargaining chip are now begging for help. But she perfectly understood the degree of danger of the enterprise. The ideal solution for her would be to gain power without getting her hands dirty.

Lady Ostara had a daughter: born of King Orlandor, who had several other wives and a dozen heiresses and heirs. Unwanted. Problematic because of werewolf abilities that had to be carefully hidden.

In addition, the girl had the ability to alchemy, which means there was a chance to pick up a medicine. The high immunity of the shifters was supposed to protect her from rapid infection. So Ostara confronted everyone, including her daughter, with the fact that the young Chimeris would go to the land of Meridian.

Usually, the Meridian's light passed to the heiress at the moment of birth: from mother to daughter. But because of the current situation, he first returned to Queen Irel, and then, on her deathbed, moved on to Chimeris.

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The story of Chimeris (if anyone is suddenly interested) : https://ficbook.net/readfic/13293038 __________________________

Every time I understand that it will be difficult to draw: both me and other artists who will have to interact with the character. But I choose complicated sleeves for Chimeris. I can't help myself: I'm trying to reproduce the image that stuck in my head.

In the animated series, each of the Escanor had a certain color scheme of clothes, from which they rarely departed (black and red for Phobos, turquoise, emerald and white for Elyon). But there were still such cases (Phobos' earthly clothes, Elyon's coronation outfit). So I took a chance to dress Chimeris in blue.

The idea here is that these are the heirloom colors of Orlandor - the place where the princess never found a home. She will eventually give up this blue in favor of those colors that you have already seen on her in adult form

There is no tiara or other jewelry that princesses usually wear in the drawing. There is only a homemade necklace. Father of Chimeris, who agreed to the indemnity in the form of Ostara, hoped that he would prove to everyone the superior position over the bride's house. And at the same time, he will strengthen his family with ancient blood.

But the marriage ritual and the ritual of baptism, based on magic, time after time put the Escanor family higher. So he refused the first one altogether: Ostara was in an unclear status as a result - either a concubine, or a prisoner, or a valuable guest. The girl born in this couple has the surname Escanor. And the king, having not received what he wanted, later treated this part of the family with a share of neglect and dislike.

There is an atmosphere of matriarchy on Metamoor (in my AU). But we must understand that these ideas were strengthened when all the kingdoms stopped bickering and came together under a common beginning, adopting the culture of Meridian. Until then, each of them had a different attitude towards women and men. Orlandor was quite close to the patriarchal way of life. Hence the power in the hands of the king and polygamy. 

About lilies of the valley. I found a poem (unfortunately I don't know how to translate it without breaking the rhyme). Thanks to him, I have an image of a lily of the valley, as something pleasant, but not striking in its beauty. This image goes well with the life of Chimeris, at least with the stage of childhood and adolescence. Nothing was expected from the tenth princess, whose mother was never able to build a trusting relationship with the locals.

But at the same time, lilies of the valley are deadly poisonous, although you can't tell by their appearance. They should not be touched with bare hands, and a few berries are enough to die. And here is this contrast: the mortal danger from something mediocre is the way of development of Chimeris. After all, as a result, she reached very great heights, having dealt with all those who harmed her or her family because they underestimated her.

In addition, it is a reference to abilities in plant magic and alchemy. Lilies of the valley bloom in late May - early June. I'll just add that her birthday is May 27th.

[zhoufeis]

Yay! The newbie (me) has finished 10 korean dramas

....... and here are my ratings.

- Ratings for: W - Two Worlds | Extraordinary You | Bring it on, ghost! | Hotel del Luna | The Tale of Nok-du | Run On | Rookie Historian Goo Hae-ryung | Romance is a Bonus Book | Radio Romance | A Love So Beautiful

- Also mentioned: Memories of the Alhambra | My Country - The New Age | Do Do Sol Sol La La Sol | Signal | Mr. Queen | Tale of the Nine Tailed | Goblin | My First First Love | Moon Lovers | The Crowned Clown

Let’s rate from worst to best:

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10) Romance is a Bonus Book. Rating: 2,1 / 5 stars - skip it.

- I kept seeing this show on my dash and since my first kdrama watch was W Two Worlds with the wonderful Lee Jong-suk, I decided to give it a chance.

- But hell, no one warned me how bad it actually is. I’m not talking about the acting (the cast is actually quite solid), but I’m referring to... the plot (or lack thereof), the love story (let’s rather call it one-sided obsession) and the wasted potential. Let’s start with the set-up. A company producing books, a single mother who needs a job, her childhood best friend who works for the company. Yeah, it’s not precisely complex or inventive, but it’s something to work with. Create nice dynamics at the working place, have some yearning between the two leads, give them heartwarming moments and a confession of how they’ve always been in love with each other. There’s just one problem: she really never, ever had any romantic feelings for her childhood best friend. She keeps calling him a brother and insists on him being her closest friend (which seems a stretch since she lied to him for a year about her separation from her husband and kept sort of creeping up into his house to eat and shower there without letting him know). Anyway, I could oversee this (even though I hate the trope of childhood best friends becoming lovers in adult life just because one is a man and the other a woman) if AT LEAST we actually get to see her falling for him slowly within the show. But we just.... don’t. He confesses his love to her - as she is actually starting to see someone else, and let me tell you, she actually seemed to be into the second lead -, then promises her not to push his feelings onto her... but that’s exactly what he does (I guess I don’t need to mention I ended up not being his biggest fan), and she ends up falling for him for unknown reasons. Eh. Okay. I started rooting for the second leads halfway into the show. Hae-rin & Eun-ho as well as Seo-joo & Dan-i appeared to me as the much more shippable pairings. I might have actually cried for Hae-rin & Eun-ho at some point of the show, but well... Moving on to... everything else. I enjoyed some scenes in the company, but not enough that I could tell you any right now because there wasn’t anything very memorable. The show basically thrives in some random scenes usually involving one of the two leads rather than in scenes with the two of them. That random author’s suicide has stuck with me as well as the letters that song hae-rin has wrote to our male lead over the years. The talk about fears between eun-ho and that author has stuck with me too, but other than that... there’s just nothing really happening. I was patiently waiting for a plot to come but nothing ever came. It just feels like a bunch of really uninteresting subplots put into one show. I don’t wanna judge it too harshly, but one of the other modern day dramas I will discuss further down this list also simply works with a bunch of subplots coming together - and it’s wonderfully executed (it’s ‘Run On’, for those of you who are wondering!)

SUMMARY

- Favorite character:

- Positive: nice friendship between women (dan-i & hae-rin); delivery of lee jong-suk, jeong eu-gene & park gyu-young; one strong scene involving a life lesson every few eps

- Negative: no main plot, dull subplots... nothing happens, very cheesy at some points, the protagonizing couple is quite problematic and unshippable, their chemistry is not strong enough to oversee that; i really don’t know why people like this show.

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9) Radio Romance. Rating: 3,2 / 5 stars - it’s cute.

- Radio Romance is the show on this list that drives me into conflict with myself. Because some things about this show are very strong; others (many) very, very weak. I guess the main problem is that the show’s set-up mostly shouldn’t be taken too seriously, but it deals with some heavy topics that need to be taken seriously. And unlike quality japanese animes or some quality chinese drama that usually achieve to make you realize what can be taken as a joke and what can not, Radio Romance is sort of incapable of keeping that balance. You gotta figure it for yourself.

- While offering a quite enjoyable cast and some quite different personalities within the show, there is no one particularly standing out. As you will see as we go further down on this list, this is not my only Kim So-hyun drama, it was also not my first, and I can promise you that it won’t be my last. I simply adore this actress, she’s enjoyable to watch. I don’t think I’ll ever grow tired of her, which is why I checked out the show in the first place. Compared to her other characters though, Song Geu-rim is kind and nice and all, but not too memorable. She’s portraying a nice girl next door here with a dream to become a good radio script writer. And if not even her character stands out, as expected, none of the others will either. As for the plot... We don’t really have one, I suppose. If you count the plot making the radio show, I suppose then episode 3 or 4 is the last with actual development. I was hoping for more conflicts and plot twists involving Soo-ho’s backstory - and we got them, but very, very, very late on the show. Basically, getting through the first 7 eps felt very easy to me, due to the change of locations and relationship growth, and getting through the last 3 as well. Although the last was such a cheesy ending, you have no idea. The middle part suffered from a lack of plot and character development as well as it suffered from a focus on the love triangle - which I totally could have lived without. Like, istg, what was the POINT of this love triangle? Soo-ho and Geu-rim had to deal with enough things already, bringing in yet another obstacle through the tercero and putting the focus onto this love triangle was just soooo cliché. And don’t even get me started on how they also went with the problematic love triangle tropes rather than to at least make it somewhat adorable or funny. It was also boring. I kept pausing the episodes there and didn’t keep watching for days. It was only at the end of episode 13 that things finally got interesting again when we finally got to learn more about Soo-ho’s backstory. From then on, I was able to end the show within 2 days. So, no, the backstory was not the thing that drives me into conflict though. What drives me into conflict is how such a quite flat story was able to portray a very good, very realistic case of depression and PTSD. Like wow. This must have been one of the few shows, in which we have a canonically diagnosed character who does not fall into stereotypes and in which his depression isn’t used as a mere plot device to get the ship together and cure him by that. His depression is underlying at all times, sometimes more, sometimes less. He is told to get treatment (”no treatment, no medication.”), he has moments in which his depression mentally and physically restrains him from acting. It’s a very layered, realistic depiction and I adored every single bit of it. Meanwhile, the character isn’t defined by his depression nevertheless - there’s more to Soo-ho then just the depression, and after all, he was an outstanding character (to correct what I said before because I was lying xD). So... for all the lack of plot and development and predictable storytelling, the depiction of depression and the peacefulness of the protagonizing couple save that show.

SUMMARY

- Favorite character:

- Negative: unnecessary love triangles with unnecessary clichés; barely any plot; sheer boredom in the middle of the show; takes itself and its tropes way too seriously.

- Positive: complex character who is suffering from depression and PTSD; layered, realistic depiction of depression; adorable couple that transmits peacefulness.

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8) Rookie Historian Goo Hae-ryung. Rating: 3,5 / 5 stars - nice, but it is no must-watch.

- I feel genuinely bad for putting this right after Radio Romance and Romance is a Bonus Book, because Rookie Historian was, simply put, muuuuuuuuch better. I got invested in the characters and their backstories. The story is quite more complex in retrospect than it seemed at first, but the show’s issue is that this is rather less apparent in more than the first quarter of the show. I really don’t even recall what happened in those first few episodes because it is rather unimportant for the rest of the show, with minor exceptions. The story truly starts picking up around episode 9 and has a strong run until around episode 15. The last quarter of the show then is wayyyyy too fast-moving, too many things happening and we barely spend time on things I then wished to spend more time on. Unfortunately, despite having a good set-up and a quite fine cast, I don’t think I’ll remember anything in particular about this show in a year. It’s a nice watch, even though I sometimes really had to motivate myself to keep watching in the first eps, but it hasn’t lingered in my memory after I finished it.

SUMMARY

- Favorite character:

- Positive: rather lots of plot; positive female relationships; feminism; shin se-kyung; leading couple as well as the second leading couple, even though romance is not at the core of the show; nice messages about morality and truth.

- Negative: the first few eps are really.... slow-moving. To the point that I’d recommend putting the first 8 eps into 2-3 eps and giving more space in the end. Especially the last 4 eps of the show are way too fast-moving. Furthermore, there’s some plotholes. My biggest issue though is the glorification of europe's christianity during the 18th and 19th century. I was not expecting that in a korean drama but it seemed utterly wrong in my eyes, specifically because the show used it to promote that chrisitianity promotes equality of all races and genders. Not to be a bitch, but europe’s christian beliefs have never stopped europeans from discriminating women and non-white people, not then and not now.

- My general impression of the show is quite positive, but I’m not sure I’d willingly watch it again since knowing all the plot twists and storylines actually is enough to be watched once with that show. An experience that I haven’t made with the other kdramas that are higher ranked on this list.

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7) A Love So Beautiful. Rating: 3,5 / 5 stars - if you really don’t want to think at all and just watch a light, easy to follow show, that is your pick. However, NOT recommended for first-time kdrama watchers - it gives you a totally wrong impression of what kdramas are actually capable of achieving.

- I’d like to point out that this show has surprised me in a good way - but there’s things that need to be pointed out here, so let me make three paragraphs: the first will talk about my impression of the first 16 eps; the second will talk about the last 8 eps; and the last will talk about how this show was cute, but could have been incredible, but didn’t use its potential correctly.

- Episodes 1-16: Look, the thing about those eps is very easy to point out: it’s not quality and it is never pretending to be (unlike romance is a bonus book, which pretends to be some smart, adult quality show but is just trash). Those eps cannot be taken totally serious. You have to go in there knowing exactly what is awaiting you. I started it because when I saw the trailer, I immediately realized all the tropes that Extraordinary You (higher ranked, you will see later) was making fun of. What you see is exactly what you get: Clichéd characters, clichéd love story, average acting, average directing, simple dialogue, clichéd love triangle, predictable developments - a simple romcom put into a tv show format. It’s cliché over cliché over cliché put into a het high school love story. And you know what? After weeks of studying for and writing my uni exams, it was exactly what I needed. The show is so over the top with its clichés that it’s genuinely funny. The lightheartedness and the non-existing complexity just add to that. Basically, you could argue that it’s all so bad with its clichés, which is why it becomes hilarious. Unlike other kdramas, it has a straightforward plot: a girl is in love with a boy and wants to be with him. It’s as easy as that. The show clearly loves featuring every trope you could associate with het love stories, but honestly, it’s so light and breezy and such a fast watch (due to the fact that each ep is between 20-25 minutes), you will finish those first 16 episodes before you know you even started it (I made it in less than 2 days). I want to repeat here though, it’s not for someone who starts with kdramas and hasn’t watched other kdramas. It cannot be taken seriously - and you only cannot take it seriously when you have seen things like Extraordinary You or W or, I guess, a bunch of high school kdramas. But I’m telling you, this is the only Kdrama on this list that you can watch in the most stressful time of your life and it will make you feel better. It won’t make you cry, it will make you laugh, and the moment it is out of your sight, you will forget about it - at least, that’s the case about the first 16 eps. And then we get to...

- Episodes 17-24: guys, what have I gotten myself into? As these people finished high school and their problems actually also got more adult, I started to grow genuinely attached, specifically to the ship. When she got sick and he didn’t even know although he’s a DOCTOR? When she was sexually harassed and didn’t know how to talk to him about it because their relationship was filled with other problems? When he left for 3 years and later told her that he had hoped she’d follow him because she always has... and then she didn’t? When he said that everyone is under the impression that she is more dependent on him but that he is actually the one who cannot imagine a life without her? IT ALL HURT BADLY. Because 1) so many years passed in such a short amount of time on the show and it felt like someone was ripping my heart out. I got genuinely reminded of that stupid US movie “One Day” - and y’all know how that movie ended. And because 2) there was a very realistic notion in the adult relationship portrayed. Not only did it point out how differently relationships/friendships can develop once you outgrow your teenage years and start navigating your life by yourself, but the problems, the misunderstandings, the different perceptions of time, the different perceptions of how friendships and relationships are developing - I honestly could relate to it a lot, looking at it from a 24yo perspective because it is something I have been experiencing as well since I finished high school. You feel more lonely and tend to perceive some time as passing by quickly, other times, it feels like everything is going so slow. These last 8 eps completely differ from my perception that I had in the first 16 eps of the show, as the tone is much more serious and the things depicted realistic and relatable. I also sobbed a lot. I didn’t sob at all, ever, in the first 16 eps, but the last 8 were me crying a lot and feeling my heart hurt as the years passed by and these two just spent them apart.

- So, what do I criticize about this show? The show’s pacing. I genuinely loved the change of feeling between high school and adult life, between ridiculousness and seriousness, and I know the show wants to celebrate youth at the end of the day. But I honestly believe this show could have worked so much better if u cut the high school episodes down to 8 episodes and rather spend a few more eps exploring their young adult lives. It would have worked so much better because their young adult selves were genuinely relatable, as well as their problems. The growth within the characters, realizing that the way they acted as teenagers were often self-centred or that they didn’t think that much about the consequences or how other people felt was nicely done. The show had potential. The dialogues were bearable, the camera work had hints of something great. In other words, I believe that with more carefulness to directing and dialogue, the show could have genuinely been a quality romance drama. The potential was there, but it wasn’t used the way it should have been. In the last 8 eps, you simply get a whiff on what this show could have actually been. Because the realistic character and relationship writing was right there - and if it had been put together with awesome directing and better pacing, everything could have been incredible.

SUMMARY

Favorite character:

Negative: the show’s pacing; the waste of potential to be an actual quality romance.

Positive: the un-seriousness of the first 16 eps, which were just so clichéd that it all was hilarious, compared to the seriousness of problems and development depicted in the past 8 eps.

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6) Run On. Rating: 4,2 / 5 stars - recommend

- I’m gonna be honest here and tell you something about me you might have guessed by now: Modern-day shows with no sci-fi nor fantasy elements are not particularly my thing. I usually sort of hate-watch them. Romance is a Bonus Book, A Love So Beautiful and Radio Romance are all of such shows and while I was even capable watching two of them without ending up hating them, they’re far from being my fave. Objectively, they’re okay-ish shows, nothing to be considered quality tv according to my cultural studies though. Subjectively, they just suffer even more from the fact that I’m very keen on being critical of such shows. But what happens when I find a non-fantasy, non-scifi modern-day show that is actually... good? Run On is the answer. Run On has memorable characters, their funny, unique characteristics, and simple conflicts put into nice subplots that often talk real-life problems such as bullying or self-neglegance. At the end of the day, this show is a love poem. It’s a love poem to self-love, self-respect, to friendship, to character growth, to family bonds, to achieving your goals, to making new goals, to kindness, and to life itself. That’s really what it is. You will find yourself in, at least, one of the characters. You will see them struggle, fight, grow, become better, and at the end of the day, the most important thing is that you are capable of living with yourself. I personally got attached to all of the stories and I adored how nothing was ever done over the top. Everything was subtle, multiple subplots working together... to form stories of life. It’s more than just a simple “feelgood” show and less than a devastating tragedy, it truly shows you life and puts it into an aesthetic form, that never neglects its reality. Which leads me to something I should point out here: it’s creatively done. From the fact that Seon-gyeom is waiting for Mi-joo at the end of the track to the drawings of Young-hwa that have Dan-ah in them to Dan-ah realizing that people experience the same things differently due to the fact that experience itself is different to everyone to Mi-joo imagining movie plots with the people she surrounds herself with to Seon-gyeom starting to live with Young-hwa in a small flat rather than to live lonely in a big, fancy hotel room - the things the characters go through in this show are not only talked about, but they’re often expressed through art, in all its forms. And these characters, these dynamics, the art, the conflicts are all subtly but carefully put together into subplots that form the show and very nice messages. The most important take-away I had from this show is that the way we treat us and the people around us is the highest form of art. And the show is a love poem to that.

SUMMARY

- Favorite character:

- Positive: the cast (especically the core four), the characters (especially the core four); the wonderful messages about respect, kindness and self-love; the subplots working together, reflecting how life is also not just some simple chronological order of things but rather multiple experiences that we remember and that shape us; life is constant growth.

- Negative: i think the only thing i truly have to criticize is that you never really know what the plot even is. While I do enjoy how the subplots all work together, I would have wished for deeper inspections of some plots. And while it is easy just for some headcanons to come to mind, I still think the show could have incorporated more. Considering the treatment of art forms and how it takes a prominent role within the story (due to Young-hwa and Mi-joo, respectively), I also would have liked to have some cultural nods and references - and interpretations. I think the show used about 85% of its potential - and the potential was great, which is why the rating is still very good.

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5) Bring it on, ghost! Rating: 4,2 / 5 stars - recommend, especially good for people who want to have a focus on romance coupled with a supernatural plot and who want a happy ending

- While the story is pretty easy to follow, often seems to be predictable and familiar, the show still promotes nice messages about forgiveness and regret. The strong side of the show isn’t particularly that though - this show is entirely saved by the two leading actors. Kim So-hyun and Teacyeon portray two incredibly lovable characters you will see yourself drawn to. They furthermore have a chemistry that you just have to love and their bickering is just the best part of all. This is mixed with some tragic moments - in present time as well as in the past - and what you get is a romantic show with a bit of comedy, with a bit of tragedy, but with a very happy ending. If you exchanged the actors with two less skilled actors or two people who simply don’t have a lot of chemistry, this show simply wouldn’t work. Their performances are the shining light of this drama, mixed with some funny side characters that you get to enjoy as well. The reason why it ends up higher on the list than Run On - despite Run On probably having generally the better dialogue writing as well as better camera work and even more beautiful messages - is due to the sole work of the two leads who simply carry this show on their back and the fact that despite having some more or less necessary subplots, there is a main plot here that will take a faster, darker turn in the second half of the show. And I personally just enjoy having a main plot to hold onto as well as I always enjoy a bit of fantasy more than modern day real live shows. On top of that, add some devastating backstory and top-notch character development for Park Bong-pal, and a badass, slightly violent, sassy characterization of Kim Hyun-ji. This show will simply leave you with a huge smile on your face, despite being made for people who enjoy tragedy as well.

SUMMARY

- Favorite characters:

- Negative: subplots sometimes take the focus, a familiar story, stereotypical portrayal of ghosts (yes, ahre, i said it), no real plot twists (which can be a good thing, too, since the show rather simply unfolds each part of the story over the course of its run)

- Positive: the two leading actors, their incredibly shippable couple, a happy ending. If I was going to recommend a light-hearted, happy kdrama that has some tragic parts but ends happily and isn’t that hard to follow, I’ll recommend you this one.

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4) The Tale of Nok-du. Rating: 4,6 / 5 stars - strongly recommend.

- If you ever are in search for an unproblematic dummy as protagonist, watch this show. He’s a dummy you just have to love. You laugh about him, you laugh with him, you cry for him. He’s a puppy, you cry with him. And the best thing is, this puppy falls in love with a girl who can be quite rude and annoyed, but he always makes her smile and genuinely is attentive to her. The most frustrating thing about both of them is that each of them keeps a secret they cannot tell each other because they refuse to hurt each other - and this almost leads to tragedy. Better even, they’re portrayed by two very skillful actors. You’ll love them in the blink of an eye. And then there’s the cute second lead, portrayed by Kang Tae-oh. Yes, cute. Until he really isn’t. I’ve never seen an actor being able to turn around a character to 180° in no time. Some talent that is. And now let’s just say - the plot is nice. It is not the most complex one, but it is interesting to follow and you are always eager to find out new information to collect and put the pieces together. If you are searching for a show that is simply entertaining and nice to watch and featrures a great cast and nice characters and ranges from comedy to tragedy, this is your pick.

SUMMARY

- Favorite characters:

- Negative: the narrative change in the middle of the show that shifted the focus away from women to men (even though it made sense within the story, it was still a very sudden and harsh change, especially if you consider that these women were mostly slaughtered to death)

- Positive: CAST (specifically the three mains are just beyond amazing); an innocent, pure, absolutely adorable protagonizing couple that will steal your heart; feminism; male protagonist being a feminist who ends up working with badass women for his entire lifetime; directing; narration practices - this show is the one that draws the line between the ones i discussed above and the really great ones because it is the first on the list to be capable of telling a story by constantly keeping your nerves up while also not overstimulating the viewer with too much information at once. Only the other 3 shows which will follow now were able to do the same - and it’s what makes people watch or quit, and that’s why it’s so important: constant plot development, no unnecessary side plots, and handing your audience enough information to make them keep watching but not enough to guess the entire plot yet. The Tale of Nok-du was able to do exactly that and I honestly enjoyed the ride.

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3) W - Two Worlds. Rating: 4,8 / 5 stars - strongly recommend, must watch.

- I’d like to point out first that my top 3 are interchangeable. I sometimes tend to change my mind which one of the three I adore the most, and W is definitely in those top 3. Firstly, I’d like to let you know that W was my first Kdrama watch. And it blew me away. I was in awe with Lee Jong-suk, with Han Hyo-joo, with the narration of this drama, with the plot, with the direction, with the leading couple, the cast, THE DIALOGUE. Everything about this drama was excellently executed. The slow-moving narration in episode 1, the extra long scene of Chul holding the writer at gunpoint, the writer ‘becoming’ the killer (which he has always been anyway), the philosophy behind it, the creativity. I was blown away by literally everything about this drama and I believe it to be one of the strongest dramas ever made. Furthermore, what I also really adored, is that you don’t need to necessarily be into the couple in order to enjoy this show anyway because the plot takes the spotlight - but since the couple is always involved in the main plot, you get to enjoy plot, dialogue and couple at once. An interesting thing that I want to note here is that a few weeks after finishing the show, I stumbled upon reddits criticizing Lee Tae-hwan for his acting in general. I don’t know if he just perfectly suited the role of Chul’s bodyguard in W, but I highkey enjoyed watching him in this drama.

SUMMARY

- Favorite characters:

- Negative: I would have adored if Yeon-joo took a more prominent role in the resolution of the story (last 2 episodes) since the ‘hero arc’ went all to Chul there. And another negative aspect is that the show lives from very strong dialogues throughout all episodes, all incredible, all amazing and then - the very last scene. The last words spoken on the show, as a voice-over of Chul and Yeon-joo, are rather dull compared to the rest of the show.

- Positive: narration device, leaving out information to fill us in later and blowing our minds away (PEOPLE, I THOUGHT CHUL DIED), complex main characters, complex plot, no unnecessary subplots, no unnecessary romantic drama, no unnecessary cheesiness, DIALOGUE, direction, the cast in general*.

*I tried Memories of the Alhambra, as I found out that the same people who also made W were in charge of that drama, and I have to admit that I was intensely let down, specifically by the casting. Hyun Bin was alright-ish (not very memorable though), but Park Shin-hye was unbearable for me after episode 3. I stopped watching. If the plot was as interesting as the one of W though, I would have kept watching. But seeing as nothing really happened in those first 3 eps other than the lead killing his old best friend and playing video games that appear to turn into reality, I felt like I was wasting my time.

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2) Extraordinary You. Rating: 5 / 5 stars - strongly recommend for hopeless romantics, people who suffer from second lead syndrome and people who like getting into philosophical debates.

- Extraordinary You was the second kdrama I ever watched. And. And. And. And I almost gave it up after episode one. It seemed somewhat ridiculous to me, way too fast-moving. I would regret my entire life if I had given it up right there and then. Because PEOPLE, IT IS SO GOOD. Not only does it feature a very healthy main couple, it leaves you emotionally devastated because there’s a backstory that you only get to know in the second half of the show but which influences your entire perception of the first half - and jeez, by the time I reached half of the show, I was yelling and screaming and crying my eyes out. You ever want to see a love so deep that it transcends consciousness and universes? A love so deep that time and space become mere nothings? That’s what you get in this show. And one of the best parts is that the ‘’’’’actual’’’’’ lead (in the ancient story within the show, not the story of the show) aka Baek Kyung* does NOT get the girl. But that doesn’t mean you won’t fricking suffer with him. Jeez, I bawled my eyes out for him, too. But Haru/Dan-oh, guys, they’re.... everything. Oh and all of that is nicely mixed up in a strong, complex plot that leaves nothing unexplained. Not everything is explained through words - the show is high on symbolism rather than dialogue - but everything makes sense. And the ending, oh that stupid ending. As beautiful as heartbreaking. Since the plot is put into a philosophical perspective throughout the show, the show also raises questions about existence and being. Yes, I yelled when Heidegger was mentioned. So not only do you get to see a beautiful, heartbreaking love story; adorable, complex characters; time-and-space-transcending friendships, you also get to laugh, cry and think about your own existence and your own place in this world. This show is a delight.

SUMMARY

- Favorite character:

- Negative: you will cry and cry and cry and then laugh and then cry and cry and cry. It’s really not fun. Emotionally devastating. No, but for real... I wished we had a more complex depiction of the female characters that aren’t Dan-oh (specifically Ju-da, Sae-mi and Su-hyang), and a bit less focus on the guys therefore (I love them all but I thought the girls could have gotten some screen time of theirs while I would have accepted Jinmichae, Do-hwa and Nam-ju to get a bit less)

- Positive: Honestly? EVerything. Directing, casting, characterization, narration, love story, friendships, everything.

-  *Let me say something about Baek Kyung, portrayed by Lee Jae-wook. That character could have simply been an asshole. The set-up was there, the writer of the comic also made him that way. But Lee Jae-wook has portrayed this character with so much depth that it is impossible not to feel bad for him. His entire life stages (hahahaha, I’m so funny) are a tragic mess. The fact that he eventually realizes that who he is and who the writer made him are eventually indeed two different people after all - but that they both share being in love with Eun Dan-oh - is as important as it is devastating. Cause it makes you realize that he can finally move his life more freely with that knowledge - become a better person outside of the stages (only if given the chance by the writer though) - while also never finding a happy ending. Firstly, because happy endings don’t exist in their world anyway because endings - if happy or sad - are always endings to these characters’ existences and because it is glaringly obvious his happy ending would include having Dan-oh by his side also outside of the stages. That is denied to him and will always be denied to him. And as a viewer, you understand that and you want nothing else, but the fact that he doesn’t even appear in the new story, not getting a chance at a new life this time, just adds a tragic notion onto all of this that no one asked for. I’d like to thank Lee Jae-wook here for such an incredible portrayal. I started Do Do Sol Sol La La Sol because of him and, unfortunately, had stop watching after 2 episodes because Go A-ra is simply... a terrible actress. I can’t put it any other way. I’m looking forward to other dramas with him and the rest of the cast though. Extraordinary You definitely had a huge advantage already by having a quite young, but incredibly talented mass of actors and actresses.

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*drumroll*

1) Hotel del Luna. Rating: 5 / 5 stars - strongly recommend, must watch.

- It wasn’t thaaaat surprising to me that I would love this show. It was rather.... obvious that this would happen because a fantasy show set in modern day with the involvement of other time eras and a badass, broken, strong female lead is simply my taste. What I did not expect was this to become my favorite tv show of all time. I don’t even know where to start. I guess Jang Man-wol is a good starting point. Because I live for such characters. Characters like hers are precisely of my taste (I had similar people to her before - Ámbar Smith from Argentina’s Soy Luna or Melody Paz from Argentina’s Casi Ángeles - and also after her - Seo Dan-ah from Korea’s Run On), but Jang Man-wol takes the no.1 spot in all tv characters ever. She’s so layered, so complex, so well-written. She’s not predictable, but she’s also not ever surprising. She comes across as one of the most relatable tv characters you could ever see because she isn’t just one thing. She’s very contrary, she can be soft and loving or harsh and ruthless, sometimes all at the same time. She can be forgiving, she can be arrogant, self-hating, self-loving, lazy, passionate, she is quite literally everything. And while in the show’s set-up she is punished for hundreds of years when other, much more problematic people were allowed to leave this world sooner than her, the narrative wants you to feel sorry for her. You see her flaws, you see she’s anything but perfect but it won’t make you conclude that her punishment was ever deserved. The more you get into this show, the more you will ache. Because you know that there is only one possible ending to the show - for her to finally find peace. And that... that can only be achieved if she finally is allowed to leave this world. And it hurts and pains because, obviously, there is a love story. A love story that goes back to when she was a child 1,300 years ago. A love story that reunites her with the guy who saved her these 1,300 years ago and who now finds her again, someone who makes her care about her life again. As deeper as you go into the show, the more you will cry, the more you will suffer. And you will feel conflicted. You will want her to get her revenge while you will want to protect her. You will want her to finally be able to leave this world, but you won’t want her to leave Chan-sung. You will want her to actually care about her own fate while you will also want her to make the mistakes that worsen everything. It is a beautiful character put into a story that mixes fantasy, comedy, tragedy, soulmates, life, death, revenge, a stunning cinematography and strong dialogues into one. And what you get is the probably best show ever made.

SUMMARY

- Favorite character:

- Negative: There is really only one minor thing I’d criticize. While all the chars are rather complex and all subplots and character arcs work within the main plot frame and round up the entire story perfectly, there is one subplot I personally got a bit tired of because it is definitely the most unconnected one to the main plot - this concerns the romance arc of yu-na and hyun-joong. I wasn’t hating it, but I just didn’t need it for this story.

- Positive: This show has everything. I told you above already all the things I like. On top of that, I’d like to add that it has a beautiful found family story arc, promotes wonderful messages, has gotten itself the most excellent leading actress with IU who just beautifully portrays Jang Man-wol in all her depth. The show leaves you with your heart aching while there will be a smile on your face. Emotional devastation is just how this show works.

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- Kdrama I'm currently watching: The Crowned Clown

- Kdramas I plan on watching soon: My Country - The New Age (watched 2 eps so far) | Signal (watched 1 ep so far) | Mr. Queen | Tale of the Nine Tailed | Moon Lovers

- Kdramas I abandoned because I didn’t get into them / disliked them: My First First Love | Goblin | Do Do Sol Sol La La Sol | Memories of the Alhambra

- If you have any suggestions for me based on my likes and dislikes, send them to me. I’m open to everything :)

[sorin-in-the-sixth-sense]

A list of my favourite fictional grey characters (not in order) SPOILER ALERT!

Regina Mills (Once Upon A Time)

There is a reason why Regina is called «The Evil Queen» She was pure evil. A murderer, a kidnapper, a rapist, how could I like her? Well it wasnt before season 3 I started to like her. It took a lot of time. And I suppose I will never fully love her after she raped Graham for...years... and murdered people - children when she was a tiny bit frustrated. I would even say that she is irredeemable. And I thought her redemtion arc was unrealistic in the beginning, and for God’s sake, she should not have been crowned The Good Queen in season 7. But she tried to change so hard for Henry, she tried to redeem herself. Tried to be a good mother for a change. She saved multiple lives and souls. She didnt completely redeem herself, I must admit it. But she tried so hard and I feel like she deserves something from that. She eventually became a very good mother, even though it was a little late since Henry was already 12 when she became one. She was still a bitter bitch and blamed innocent people for unfortunate things that happened to her (Zelena, Mary Margaret, Emma) but by season 7, she became something more than that. She became half good. Grey. And even though she didnt completely redeem herself, she came close. Also, I love her sassy personality, she should be crowned The Sassy Queen, not The Good Queen.

Rumplestiltskin (Once Upon A Time)

The Dark One who after 7 seasons became one of the greatest heroes in OUAT. The man who was known as the village coward because he ran away from the Ogre War and was too afraid to fight for his wife became one of the bravest men. Like Regina, he was a murderer. He was super manipulative with all his deals and the «all magic comes with a price, dearie» thing. He manipulated people into getting themselves killed. Before he became The Dark One, he was a good man with a pure heart. But the power of the dagger took over him and his heart was all black. He was power sick. He always wanted power, but not for selfish reasons. He felt like he needed power to protect his son Bealfire/Neal and his wife Milah, but when he took that power, the darkness came over him and he, after time, became evil. It wasn’t before he met Belle French his heart showed a little bit of light. As he said, she was his light in an ocean of darkness. Their relationship was problematic and selfish in the beginning. He manipulated her into thinking he changed (which you know i detest *cough* James Potter) Rumple loved power more than he loved her, at least in season 4. He too often chose it over her, until season 6 when he started to properly redeem himself. His redemtion arc took over 300 years but it came in the end. His love for her changed A LOT. In the other seasons, his love was unhealthy and selfish. But in season 6 and 7, he changed a lot. This time it wasnt only for Belle, but Gideon too. They helped him let go of power and in season 7, he tried so hard to get rid of the dagger and the power so that he could live a normal life with his family. And after Belle died, he didn’t return to the dagger or the dark side. He helped the good side to defeat Drizella and the other villians in that season. He even became a father figure to Alice. And in the end he sacrificed himself to save Killian’s (Nook) life. And he got reunited with Belle. He is the most interesting character in OUAT, no doubt there.

Sawyer/James Ford (LOST)

Sawyer is without a doubt one of my fave characters from LOST (after Charlie and John) in his background, he was a thief and manipulated woman to believe he loved them, just to take all their money. (Maybe except Cassidy, since he fell in love with her later, but he still manipulated her AND got her pregnant) He’s a real asshole. Buuut - then he became an entirely different (and better) man. He meets Kate Austen and I feel like his love for her changes his character. In the beginning he was a bit of a perve with her (i mean, walking straight towards her completely naked...) he doesnt develope much in the 1 season, but later (beginning in the 3 season) he becomes quite selfless and protective. In season (was it 4? I dont quite remember) he falls in love again with Juliet Burke, and heeeeell, she was good for him. He also developes a nice relationship with Claire Littleton (platonic) he becomes protective of her. He attemts to comfort Hurley after Charlie’s death. In the rest of the seasons he is the born leader. He puts the team before himself (like when he sacrificed his chance to escape the Island) and in the paralell universe he is absolutely the best.

Heathcliff (Wuthering Heights)

Okay, no he’s not exactly a grey character since he’s a lot more dark than light, but I love him too much to not put him here. Differently from the other character I’ve mentioned above, Heathcliff doesnt have a redemtion. He died an awful person. He abused and manipulated a lot of people. Before he became this asshole, he was a much better person. He was an ass to those who deserved it (Hindley, That bitch deserved to die so young. Edward was a kind man, but I don’t like him, sooo... nevermind) The way he treated Isabella was sickening and awful, she had every right to leave him and take Linton away and hate him. I Don’t like Isabella, but she never deserved to be treated that way. His love for Cathy was unhealthy, but it was true and he would do so much for her. (They kinda remind me of Snily, so ofc I ship it) Heathcliff went through so much trauma in his life and never recovered. After Cathy died, he was practically dead too, then he killed himself years later. His life made me cry for days, especially the ending. He is such an interesting character with so many layers.

Ulrich Nielsen (Dark)

(Before I say anything, I haven’t finished the entire show yet, so this is gonna be short and probably not 100% correct)

To be honest, I don’t like Ulrich at all as a person. I look at him and I see a fully grown up man with no remorse for what he did to Regina as a teen. He cheated on his wife with a woman he didnt even love. He tried to murder a CHILD who hadnt done anything wrong (yet) because he thought he was going to kill his brother and son in the future (okay, i get why he did it. He was desperate to get Mikkel back and the whole time-tarvelig thing was extremely stressfull) BUT HE COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING A LOT LESS HARMFULL TO PREVENT EVERYTHING TO HAPPEN. Despite this, i love him as a character. He is so interesting and there are times were I have to remind myself why i dont like him. He is brave and intelligent and... so fucking hot as a teen.

Hannah Kahnwald (Dark)

(Again, havent watched the whole show yet)

This girl is MESSED UP. When she was fourteen, she accused Ulrich of being a rapist, which is a very serious accusation and then blamed it on Regina who she knew was a victim of Ulrich and Katharina’s bullying. She is a home-wrecker, and when Katharina found out about Ulrich cheating on her with Hannah and confronted her, Hannah blamed it on Ulrich and said he pressed her and that she wanted it to end, but he refused or whatever, i dont 100% remember the conversation. But she was also a very good mother to Jonas and she was so sweet to Mikkel/Michael. She is a bitch, so much that its impossible to not like her.

Severus Snape (Harry Potter)

Saved the best one to last. The guy my whole account is about, ofc he’s on this list, and ofc this is gonna be the longest text.

This guy is a complete asshole. Always has been, always will be. He bullied Harry and Co (mostly Harry and Neville) he was a bitter and sarcastic bitch. He used to be a follower of Voldemort. Even in his youth he had a lot of flaws. We all know he became the bastard he was due to childhood trauma, mental illnesses and manipulation. I believe he had depression, grief and PTSD. At least in his 20’s he was suicidal, and I believe it remained like that til the day he died, because he had no one to help him or give him support. He turned to the dark side in an attemt to make his life better (as many members of gangs do) but he only stayed like that for two years, which is extremely impressive if you know what kind of person Voldemort is. As a 21 year old, Snape was a very different person from what he was as a 38 year old. If he was the way he was as a 38 yr old when Lily, James and Harry was in danger. First of all, he wouldnt start to try to save Lily by asking Voldemort, he would have went straight to Dumbledore, probably with his own brilliant plan on how to save them. Second, he wouldnt hesitate for a second to save James and Harry to. In canon, he needed to have a personal reason to save them, which was Lily’s feelings I believe. As a 38 yr old, he risked his life to save people he hated (Lupin) This is a great character developement. He went from being a selfish bitch, to become a selfless asshole. He was that kind of person who did anything in his power to protect someone, even if that person had nothing to do with winning the war and had nothing to gain himself.

[sheikah]

Hello Kristen! I need your light about something that really disturbing me in A Dance with dragons. I began to read the books after season 7 to help me trough the hiatus so I maybe missed some things but it seems that Dany is really in love with Daario. In the tv show it's clear that he's more a "toy boy" but in the book she's ready to drop the crown for him, she wants their nights to last forever etc. What's your opinion on that? Thanks :-)

Hi anon! First and foremost, I want to apologize for taking so long to get to this ask. My life has been crazy busy lately and I’ve found it difficult to find time for myself or for my blog. Anyway, on to your ask!I don’t really think that Dany is ever truly in love with Daario in either the show or the books, and I’ll do my best to explain why. In ADWD, Dany thinks about Daario several times while he is away from her on various missions, and she often worries after his safety. She also dreams of a future with him. So I can see why you might think that she really loves him. 

“In her dream they had been man and wife, simple folk who lived a simple life in a tall stone house with a red door. In her dream he had been kissing her all over–her mouth, her neck, her breasts.”

So while this shows that she does think about a future with Daario, to me this is more about the future she wants for herself than about Daario and his relation to her. Dany has fantasized about the house with the red door and the idea of a home and a simple life several times throughout the series. I think she dreamed of him in this instance simply because he is the man she is with at the time. But this idea of a simple, honest life does not actually fit with Daario’s character. And I think that deep down Dany knows that. In the dream they are doing the one thing that Daario was really willing and able to do in their relationship–give her physical pleasure.But she also has doubts about the relationship. Early in the novel, she wonders (and is worried) that Daario could betray her. 

”The Undying of Qarth had told her she would be thrice betrayed. Mirri Maz Duur had been the first. Ser Jorah the second. Would Reznak be the third? The Shavepate? Daario?”

Later, her famous thought, “Who would ever dare to love a dragon?” brings her mind to Daario, and she reflects that she’s “jealous” of his swords (both carved to look like women) because Daario’s only real loyalty is to himself, and his love of fighting. Also in this passage, she worries that he has betrayed her in his absence:

“What if Daario has betrayed me and gone over to my enemies?” Three treasons you will know.

So she has no real faith in Daario, his love for her, or their relationship, even in the early parts of ADWD. And she already suspects that the prophecy of her treasons could apply to him. To me, that doesn’t really show true love. There’s no trust. 

We see further evidence of this later, when Xaro is trying to seduce Dany. She thinks to herself:

“I could close my eyes and pretend that he was Daario. A dream Daario would be safer than the real one. But she pushed that thought aside.”

Again, I don’t see this as loving. I see it as Dany’s desire for intimacy and her longing for someone to trust and be with romantically, but she can’t actually trust Daario, so he isn’t really someone she loves fully. 

Even when Daario returns to her, Dany is nervous like a young girl. She thinks:

“I need to change, to make myself beautiful.”

This just doesn’t feel like love to me. She has to change herself to be desirable to him. Because to Daario, she is an idea, a conquest, something impressive. Not a woman that he loves. Dany gets nervous and flustered around him. It isn’t comfortable or natural.

On the night he returns to her, Dany watches him and has this thought:

“His kisses would be hard and cruel, she told herself, and he would not care if I cried out or commanded him to stop.”

This is… troubling. I think that Daario is someone who Dany worries could actually assault her. I think that most of her attachment to him is physical. She wants the physical relationship with him and the feeling of being desired, but she doesn’t seem to think much of him as a person, which is really the basis of love. And she doesn’t trust him not to hurt her. 

Later, Daario gives the closest thing to a love confession when he says Dany should escape “Into [his] bed. Into [his] arms. Into [his] heart.” But even this would-be tender moment is instead sexually-charged but emotionally shallow. Dany describes it this way:

“The hilts of Daario’s arakh and stiletto were wrought in the shape of golden women, naked and wanton. He brushed his thumbs across them in a way that was remarkably obscene and smiled a wicked smile.…He made her want to be his wanton. I should never see him alone. He is too dangerous to have near me.”

I feel like this one speaks for itself haha. Definitely not loving. 

In the interest of time, here are more examples of things Dany thinks about Daario that I think reinforce that she isn’t in love with him.

“He had been so long away, Dany had almost forgotten what he was. Sellswords were treacherous by nature, she reminded herself. Fickle, faithless, brutal. He will never be more than he is. He will never be the stuff of kings.”

“Daenerys was appalled. He is a monster. A gallant monster, but a monster still.”

“He has a sellsword’s conscience, she realized then. That is to say, none at all.”

“I would give up my crown if he asked it of me, Dany thought, but he has not asked it, and never would. Daario might whisper words of love when the two of them were as one, but she knew it was the dragon queen he loved. If I gave up my crown, he would not want me.”

I think that last one is most important. This one kind of supports what I’ve been trying to say about Dany all along–that she isn’t this power-hungry tyrant antis try to paint her as. She just wants to feel a part of something, and to feel love and belonging. She would set aside her title and crown to have that. But the reason she doesn’t set aside her crown with Daario is because she realizes what she has with Daario isn’t love. He wants the “dragon queen” and not the person Dany is inside. 

Show!Daario just reinforces this with his reaction to Dany breaking up with him. He isn’t devastated and sad to lose the love of his life. Instead, he asks Dany who could possibly follow her. In other words, how can he top sleeping with the Mother of Dragons? What impressive feat could he do next? At the end of the day, that’s all Daario cares about. And Dany knows it. So I don’t think she ever really loved or trusted him. All that being said, I don’t think it’s really all that important whether Dany loved him or not. I see this ongoing trend in the Jonerys fandom where people try to prove that Dany didn’t really love Drogo or that Jon didn’t really love Ygritte, as if that would somehow make Jonerys matter more or be more meaningful. But I disagree. I do think that Dany loved Drogo in her own way, even if that was unhealthy and love that came of necessity. I do think that Jon loved Ygritte, even if that relationship was unhealthy and problematic as well. I don’t think Jonerys need to be each other’s first love. What matters is that they are each other’s greatest love. 

When they come together, Jon and Dany both have someone who is their equal not only in status but in responsibility. They have both found someone who can actually appreciate them and understand what they’ve been through. And they’ve found someone who loves them for their personality and actions and not for their social status or name. And that’s why it’s so beautiful. They don’t need to be each other’s first, because they’re each other’s best :)

[dashadoe-blog]

Skin Deep

When I was younger, I didn’t think I was beautiful. I’m sure I’m not alone in that thought process. My terrible eyesight resulted in frames that made my eyes look tiny. My eczema resulted in dry patchy skin that led to mean comments on the school bus and worst of all, I had short hair with curls that shrunk to half their length when touched by Florida’s moisture. The last piece about my hair is important, because I’m Haitian-American. And in Caribbean culture, there are two things that can define a young girl’s beauty; her hair or the color of her skin. When I looked in the mirror, I didn’t see the features my parents always heralded as stunning. One day I would grow into my doe eyes and long legs but turning on the bathroom light throughout early stages of puberty, I saw someone with awkward limbs, coarse, unlikable hair, buck teeth - someone just not good enough.

To top it off, my sister, the first-born grandchild in our family was the exact opposite of me. Bright, bubbly, beloved and crowned with long, full voluminous hair that cascaded past her shoulders when blown out - she was the beauty queen of all our cousins and the apple of my grandmother’s eye. And as much as my maternal grandmother fawned over her, she detested me. I never received a compliment or a genuine approach of affection. Where my sister was met with hugs and kisses and feathered with gifts, I was met with toleration and obligation. I was her grandchild by default, not by choice. At least, that’s what it felt like. I go off on this tangent because it’s what shaped an early obsession with latching onto the two things that can define a young girl’s beauty; her hair or the color of her skin.

I didn’t have the first, and it would take me over a decade to love what sprouted from my head, but I was born with the privilege of the latter. Having a mulatto father resulted in my mocha-tinted skin, a hue of honey when touched by the sun. It became my prized possession. When I look back, I see how foolish it might have been to place my validation in something like skin, but it was the only thing that gave me hope of being accepted by someone who never saw past my face, which mirrored the father my grandmother wasn’t always too fond of.

And this obsession dragged on. When I felt envious of the affection my sister garnered from her peers or family members or specifically my grandmother, I would remind myself that her skin was a nutmeg brown and it was obviously her hair that was getting her the attention. Which might have been true, but that alone was problematic for her in so many ways. She had her own cross to bear and I just didn’t have the depth of understanding to perceive that yet. When my grandmother would occasionally do something lovingly in my behalf, I would assume it’s because she noticed, I was like her some way. She is even fairer than I am, so I assumed she noticed our similar complexions and thought in some way I must be pretty enough to love. Again, I didn’t have an understanding of the stigmas or perceptions that came with skin tone. I only knew that I wanted something to be loved for, or even liked, in the same way as my sister.

I remember the first moment that sense of skin security was cracked, as it needed to be, by my mother. My mother often shakes me from my fantasy world without even trying on a regular basis, which is something I’ve grown to filter and appreciate as I’ve gotten older. During my phases of puberty, it often left me more lost and identity-confused, which in turn was catalyst of metamorphosis. In this case, I was probably 11 or 12 and visiting my little cousin, who I hadn’t seen since she’d been born I believe. She was probably two at the time. Like many people in the Caribbean culture, she’s mixed. Her ethnicity is comprised of her Haitian-father’s dark chocolate skin and her Dominican mother’s dulce de leche complexion. Needless to say, she was the first family member outside of my grandmother and father and the first child in my family, whose skin looked liked mine. And a flurry of feelings went through me for that reason. I felt a feeling of familiarity and a surge of love. But I also felt a threatening feeling too; this new, blossoming baby girl could snatch the love I was desperately trying to earn from my grandmother.  

And so, being presumptuous and wanting to protect my only bargaining chip, I repeatedly kept saying out loud “she’s light-skinned too, just like me.” Thinking back on it, I cringe knowing that I felt comfortable repeating that over and over again because of my own insecurities.  And I don’t know if my mother saw through it or just thought that I was being rude, but she shut me down quickly (or as we call it, based on her name, “Clara-fied”). I can’t recount exactly what she said, but it was something along the lines of suggesting that skin color doesn’t mean anything and that she hoped I wasn’t playing into that foolish way of Caribbean thinking. That beauty wasn’t defined by those standards and we didn’t teach that in our household, which was entirely true. And I remembered, even as I write this, how I instantly felt ashamed, confused and angry all at once. My mother went through her own share of learning to love her big lips and slanted eyes which I knew, but I’d never spoken to her about using my skin color as a tool to earn my grandmother’s affection. I guess deep down, even as child, I might have known it didn’t make sense. But I wasn’t trying to use it as a sign of intentional superiority. I was just trying to survive in the presence of someone who made me feel so blatantly unloved.

But I needed that wake-up call. And I am grateful for it. It would take some more time, some growing-up and some eye-opening moments, but I learned to love myself, on the surface and underneath. And the more I did that, the more I became less obsessed with what my skin color meant to my grandmother and more concerned with what it meant to me. I went to a high-school with a lot of white kids and in hindsight, I realize how being mocha-tinted might have actually helped me escape some racially-charged assumptions my darker peers might have encountered.  Not to say I didn’t have my own share of stigmas to encounter. (I.e. being called an Oreo). I was exposed to it even more in college when my friends of darker complexions would be flirted with but not pursued like I was by black men. It was shocking to me to hear black men openly say they would only date light-skinned women so they could have light-skinned children, whom they found more attractive. While I used my skin tone to find solace in not being accepted, I never thought less of others because of it. Still, I felt shame because of what I’d allowed to permeate my brain in my younger years about beauty. I recognized painfully that skin color wasn’t a security blanket anymore nor was it ever – it’s just a suffocating result of racial oppression that my community had fed into. 

And I vow not to be the same. It’s not that I don’t still see the stigmas of skin color around me. But I’ve learned not to define others or myself by it- and it shows up in ways of thinking you might not expect. Dark skin women sometimes give me dirty looks, light skin me are heralded as more attractive in the media, mixed children are fetishized...the list goes on. But I try to be mindful of what my prejudices or assumptions might be playing into, because I know exactly how it feels to be dismissed for what you look like. And a great part of learning to change my thought process is greatly because I don’t seek approval from my grandmother anymore. That ship ironically sailed when she began to treat me respectfully. And it’s only because she thought I was beautiful enough to acknowledge. But at that point, I’d already learned that what makes me attractive is more than skin deep. I love me because skin doesn’t define my beauty standard or yours. Our character does.